"...As the mother nature is her infinite evilness has once again denied us the fruits of the earth, that by God, God rightfully has granted us for our perusal, we must pray for the lost souls of Hank, Jim, Robert, Irene, Johanna, Seamus, Sue, and Gavin who died in hunger because of the acts of mother nature. Let us continue to pray for rain and support God in his fight against this evil by building water pipes for the needy members of this congregation from the good late-father Jenkins' well, since it is a deep one. Cursed shall be those who in the last riot killed this giving man. Having no progeny, he would've gladly accepted this.
On other issues of our diminished congregation, some people have been trying to grow vegetables in the graveyard. This will not be tolerated, and the offenders will be shot on sight. The only place in the churchyard for earthly matters is the garden of Judith, our beloved precentor, situated downstream from the graves."